


Unicorn hair and bad relationship advice

by ThatOneGirlBehindYou



Category: Gravity Falls, Over the Garden Wall (Cartoon)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Awkwardness, Gen, M/M, One Shot, Romantic Comedy, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 18:49:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11296650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneGirlBehindYou/pseuds/ThatOneGirlBehindYou
Summary: In Dipper's defense, it wasn't his fault. It was all the Multibear's idea, really. Even more in Dipper's defense, what sort of lame joke was his life that he had to settle for dating advice from a cluster of conjoined bears because his sister was a way worse option?





	Unicorn hair and bad relationship advice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chamiryokuroi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chamiryokuroi/gifts).



> To anyone waiting for a new chapter of Tony Stark's Home for Wayward Ghosts, don't hate me, I had to finish this first because it. Was a gift for a friend, however I can now begin to work freely on that, so expect a new chapter in 2-3 weeks!
> 
> Anyways, this is a short pinescone for Chami because... I don't actually remember why anymore but passing art back and forth seems to be the basis of our relationship.

In Dipper's defense, it wasn't his fault. It was all the Multibear's idea, really. Even more in Dipper's defense, what sort of lame joke was his life that he had to settle for dating advice from a cluster of conjoined bears because his sister was a way worse option?

These and other thoughts ran through Dipper's mind as the hot guy from the shack stood frozen before him as he tried to keep a unicorn in a headlock.

He should totally have ran this through Mabel first.

\--

To be honest, he should've been suspicious when their third anniversary in Gravity Falls went perfectly and without a hitch. It had been three of the busiest years of Dipper's life, after he and Mabel decided to move full time to Oregon .

Mabel had wisely decided her future did not lay in traditional academics and was well on her way to make a small fortune with her handmade crafts store, and graciously ceeded half of her part of the college funds. 

This had worked wonders for Dipper, as the money had been enough to pay for enrollment into a good college's virtual school program. All the better to keep studying Gravity Falls on his spare time, since the weirdmaggedon had left behind some pretty interesting details that not even grunkle Ford knew about.

After three years of trying to reason with werewolves, solving the gobblewonker's (the real one) shedding problem and dealing with a pair of vampire twins that came into town with the firm conviction that hooking up with him and Mabel would be beautifully symmetrical, it was expected that Dipper was in a relaxed, low alert state when their evening gathering with their friends to celebrate their third anniversary wasn't thwarted by any sort of creature, not even the gnomes trying to put the moves on Mabel again.

So when the tour bus stopped by the shack and Dipper began the show, he wasn't even expecting the guy with the sweater draped over his arm and rolled up shirtsleeves to be a problem. 

Not to say he didn't even merit a second glance, because he did (and a third and a fourth, and once, when Dipper was feeling especially entertained at the way the tourists oooh-ed and aaah-ed at one of the exhibits, a wink) but it was more in a "who are you and how dare you be so cute" way rather than an "are you secretly a zombie?" one.

A smaller kid, middle school aged or something like that, dragged this mysterious stranger around to look at Grunkle Stan's ridiculous displays and Dipper, from his place by the counter after the guided tour, took in his resigned and fond expression for exactly one second before deciding, without a shadow of a doubt, that these two were siblings.

"Did you just _wink_ at that guy, man?" Wendy muttered into his ear, and it took all of the willpower and aplomg Dipper had built while hanging around supernatural creatures that wanted him for lunch to not scream and punch her in the face.

"I... Might have?" He tried. It was useless, Wendy knew him too well, and she smiled knowingly at him. "Please don't tell Mabel" he added, because one has to recognize when one's lost and minimize damage.

"After your last girlfriend's fiasco? Nah, man. Keeping your sister out of your relationships is safer for the town" Wendy shrugs. "He's a looker, that's for sure. Go ask his name"

"What?!" he spun around "are you like... Crazy? What if he thinks I'm a creep?!"

"Dipper, you live in a town where Lil' Gideon was a common occurrence" Wendy rolled her eyes "no one here's ever thought you were a creep, not even me, and you kinda went back in time to make me break up with Robbie. Multiple times."

Right... Confessing that, not exactly his best moment.

"He's probably only here for the day anyways, not worth the trouble right?" Dipper shrugged. He did not care at all, oooh no, he didn't. It wasn't like this guy was tall and had a cute nose and was checking out a t-shirt with a print of Schmebulock.

He chooses to focus his attention on an elderly couple picking out Stan bobbleheads. "... Right?" he repeats, when Wendy doesn't immediately replies.  
She wasn't behind the counter when he looks. When had she even left? She didn't even finish her magazine, it was left on a marked page on top of the- _Oh no_

Dipper looked frantically around the store, and sure enough there was Wendy speaking to Cute, and she was fixing her hair behind her ear and laughing (not even her usual, booming Wendy-brand laughter, but a bubbly and -Dipper felt personally affronted- _girly_ laugh) what the fuck?!

Whatever, two could play at the game of being _Totally Disgusting Backstabbers_ , Wendy.

He stomped his way over, prepared to burn his own ships and slide an arm around Wendy's waist, pretend to be her boyfriend, anything, when she wrapped her own arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a gruff one armed hug.

"See? I told you he'd come when he saw us talking" she said, grinning like he had any idea of whatever her stupid plan was. "Dipper, this is Wirt, Wirt, this is a guy who finds you very nice to look at"

By this point every circuit in Dipper's head had long since fried, and he only offered a hand to shake after Wendy subtly -but painfully- pinched his shoulder.

"Uh... Hello?" The guy -Wirt, he reminded himself- smiled. Why was his smile so lopsided and shy and cute? What the fuck. "Mind if I call you Dipper? The other name is a bit too long" he asked.

"You can call me whatever you like. I MEAN YES" What was wrong with his brain today? Was this guy actually supernatural and killing his neurones or something? "Yes, Dipper is my real name. Not that the other thing isn't real of course, but it would be weird to call me that and- uh... Yes. Dipper"

"Well, now that my work here is done, I have souvenirs to sell" Wendy said, mirth in her voice as she walked away and left the two boys in the middle of an awkward silence.

"So... Do you work here?" Wirt asked after a moment.

"I live here, actually" Dipper fidgeted with the hem of his vest. No matter what goods growth spurts and puberty had left in their wake, he still couldn't talk to people he liked, wasn't that a curse? "My uncles run the place"

"Well, tell them their stitching on that mermaid skeleton is pretty good" Wirt said tentatively. "I mean-"

"Nah man, don't worry" Dipper smiled, relieved. Clearly, Wirt was too smart to fall for all this fake bullshit, he decided. Good. "There might be some real stuff at the town, but none here"

"Real stuff?" A third voice intruded in their conversation, and the kid from before poked his head from behind Wirt. "Like, uh... Talking horses? Or magical tigers?" His eyes sparked hopefully.

Wirt rolled his eyes and pulled softly on a lock of the kid's hair. "You know those don't exist, Greg, these things are all fake" he said, just as Dipper responded.

"Well, there was a magical cow once, but I think it was more radiation than magic." He said, remembering the sweet and loving animal with its way too many legs. "And the manotaurs are talking bulls, I guess? Part human, but mostly bull. All jerk, though"

Only after he's finished his contemplation did he notice both Wirt and his brother -had he called him Greg?- were looking at him with eyes wide as plates, and the only thing he could think with certainty is how he's probably ruined this by being too weird _again_ , dammit.

"I mean..." He added as quickly as he could, hoping his smile wasn't too strained. "I mean, those are the stories my great uncles tell, hehe, you know how old people are, right?"

"Right" Wirt agrees just as quick. Good, that was an awkward moment and hes _never_ talking weird stuff around him again. "Hey, so... Uh, Greg wanted to take the guided tour through the forest, is it good?"

Dipper nodded. The fact that it was Grunkle Ford running the tour instead of Grunkle Stan made for less scamming, less punching and more actual -but safe- sightings of eery and uncanny places.

He never took them to meet any real creatures, but the gnomes had agreed to run from tree to tree without being seen sometimes, and the hidebehind was still in there somewhere, which helped keep the tourists thrilled and on the edge.

"You'll have fun" he assured them. "One of my great uncles gives it, he's got a lot of stories to tell"

"Oh no, nope" Wirt shook his head. Dipper didn't miss the worried look in Greg's face, but he decided to not remark on it. "I'm not a fan of forests. Or trees. Or supernatural stuff, really" he smiled again a little strained this time, with cheeks a bit red. "I'm actually free until he's done"

Was he actually...?!

"We should drink" Dipper blurted out, and immediately wanted to strangle himself. "I mean, have drinks. Go for a drink? There's a place near by if you want to go, unless you don't which is perfectly fine I just thought because you mentioned you're free that you-"

"I do" Wirt cut him off -thankfully- his smile was back to looking natural and relaxed, even if his face was still a bit flushed. "I'll just go see him off, ok? I'll meet you here or something"

Dipper stayed rooted to his spot, still at a bit of a loss as to how this had happened.

\--

Drinks with Wirt was nice. Very nice. Good even, Dipper decided. It was admittedly hard, since he was trying his best not to mention anything supernatural after hearing the other boy's opinion on it, but he soon found out that Wirt could and _would_ ramble on endlessly if given an adequately long silence to fill.

This way he learned that the brothers were touring major "weird" tourist attractions because Greg was apparently all up on that shit, and Wirt wanted to spend some time with his little brother.

"It helps that everything's so laughably fake, you know?" Wirt smiled, fiddling the straw in his cup "makes me feel more at ease that Greg won't go messing up with something bigger than life that I can't protect him from" a shadow crossed over his face, but it was gone as far as it came, and by the time Wirt smiled again Dipper was so enthralled in the curve of his lips that he was more than willing to ignore it.

Even more so now that his mind had latched onto an important bit of information.

"Hey, how long are you staying here?" Dipper asked. Was this too forward? Was Wirt going to think he was a weird stalker or something?

"We're leaving the day after tomorrow" Wirt said "Greg heard there's an aquatic monster at the lake and I'm not letting him go there alone"

"The gobblewonker? It was actually just a robot, or the one people talk about was at least" Dipper asked before he could help himself, then hastily added. "If you believe in that stuff of course! I mean, a robot? Aquatic monster? Hah, right?"

"... Yeah" for some reason, Wirt wasn't looking at him anymore, and his hands fidgeted with the salt shaker on the table. "Anyways, I should get going, Greg should be back by now"

Panic simmered in Dipper's stomach. Had he done something wrong? Wirt was so relaxed before! He chewed on his straw nervously.

"Sure, I'll take you back. But hey, could I see you here tomorrow?" He asked. "I think I could get something for your brother, from my uncles I mean" he blurts out, before he can regret it "to keep him safe and... Stuff"

It seemed to be the right thing to say, because Wirt's smile came back and he looked up again. "You're- I mean, that would be awesome, actually"

Dipper left the diner side by side with Wirt and with a wide smile on his face.

\--

And that was the entire prelude to his current situation.

Like sure, he's gone to Uncle Stan...

\--

"What's all the fuss about kid? Just plant one on him if you like him, no need to go through the trouble of getting some fairy's blessing for his brother"

\--

Uncle Ford

\--

"Don't be ridiculous Dipper. Wasting an actual magical protection on some kid that considers _magical tigers_ a possibility is nonsense. Kid is blind, I'm telling you"

\--  
Wendy

\--

"Of course you're going the sappy route, you're such a nerd man... Let me ask Tamry, she had an occult phase when we were thirteen and I'm pretty sure she still keeps some of her 'warding charms' or however she called them"

\--

Soos

\--

"I don't know dude. Why not just tell him you're an expert on the supernatural and give his brother one of the journals? That would make a cool present"

\--

And that was pretty much when he'd stopped asking because _telling the truth was **not** an option_ , not this far in.

Abandoned by friends and family, and still fiercely determined to not breathe a word of the matter to Mabel, Dipper had gone to the only creature that really understood him.

"You should tell him the truth" had said the Multibear, much to his chagrin. "All good relationships are based on truth. If you want him to contact you after he leaves the town, that's what you should do"

"See, I _know_ that, but I also... Umm... I fucked up" Dipper kicked a rock around the bears' lair.

The Multibear nodded all of his heads. "Yes, you did" and fell into a deep silence. 

Dipper's eyebrows arched because it wasn't a common occurrence that all of the Multibear agreed on something, but then again he had really, really fucked up by lying about what was basically the foundation of his personality. Top three things about Dipper Pines: Likes to help people, loves weird shit, is an anxious mess.

The bears' silence extended for so long that Dipper started to think he was overstaying his welcome, but then the massive animal turned and spoke.

"Make the brother a unicorn hair bracelet" he said

Dipper wanted to cry, laugh and slap himself at the same time, but settled on hugging one of the bears' heads. Of course! Hadn't they remade the shack with unicorn hair fibers embedded in the wood? That stuff was as good as it came! If anything was going to keep Wirt's brother out of harm, it was unicorn hair.

\--

And that was exactly the stupid train of thought that had brought him to his current situation.

"Uh... Hey Wirt! Ha ha... What are you doing here?" Dipper asked nervously.

"Well, you never showed up to the diner so-" Wirt began, but he was interrupted by the only voice Dipper would've sold his soul to Bill not to hear right now.

"I brought him, you nerd" said Mabel, stepping out from behind Wirt with his little brother clinging to her hand. She rolled her eyes "If you were going to do this you should've told me, I'm always in for punching unicorns"

The unicorn whose head was currently trapped between Dipper's arms let out a scared whine, but fell silent as soon as Mabel looked at him.

"Why did you try to make me believe you thought this stuff wasn't real?" asked Wirt. He was still looking at Dipper with eyes the size of saucers.

"I just... You seemed so uncomfortable when supernatural stuff came up, I thought..." Dipper's voice got fainter with each word, so he cleared his throat and started again "I just wanted to give you something to keep your brother safe, but I didn't want..."

"He didn't want to bring up that he's basically weird incarnated and he's _amazing_ at it because he thought you wouldn't like him" Mabel interrupted again. Dipper opened his mouth to yell at her... When he realized she'd explained the situation much clearer than he ever could. Huh. He was pulled out of his reverie when she looked back at him "so that's all you want? Hair?" she asked

Dipper nodded mutely, unable to bring himself to look at Wirt in the eye, and Mabel brought up a pair of scissors with a gesture that was much more menacing than it needed to be and got to work on the creature's mane.

"You know, this is all like Lorna, except Wirt is not possessed by a demon that makes him eat people" piped up a third, younger voice. Greg was speaking seemingly to himself, hand up to his chin in thought. "You just can't judge people on how they look, like us!"

"That's enough Greg" tried Wirt, but the boy went on and Dipper continued to listen, as if hypnotized.

"Wirt and I, we're basically ghosts! Or zombies, I think zombies are cooler, even if they do have pumpkin heads. Anyways, what I mean is it's pretty silly that you were so nervous about telling Wirt you know about weird magical stuff when he's the one who defeated The Beast" Greg said proudly. Somehow, Dipper could hear the fearful respect in the last two words. The beast? Whatever that was, it certainly wasn't near Gravity Falls.

"All done" Mabel announced "Go show your friends your new haircut, they'll love it. Tell them Mabel sends her regards" she said with a charming smile

Dipper let go of the unicorn's head and it galloped away much faster than he'd thought possible. Was that a rainbow trail it left behind...? Whatever, it didn't matter.

He turned to Mabel, who held a handful of colorful hair in one hand and her scissors in the other. "Thanks. If you give me that, I'll make a bracelet for Greg and we can... Forget all this ever happened"

Mabel rolled her eyes and slapped him with the handful of hair. Ouch.

"If anyone is going to be making friendship bracelets with Greg, it's gonna be me" she said, raising her chin and gesturing grandiosely at herself. "We're both too advanced for the world as it is. Come on Greg, let's leave these two to talk while we make some awesome bracelets"

"Can I make you a headband?" Was the last thing they heard Greg say after they disappeared behind the treeline.

The silence in the heavenly clearing became heavier by the second. Birds stopped chirping a Dipper could've sworn the ethereal water stream that ran across the garden had stopped flowing.

"So-" he began

"So I think" Wirt interrupted him, but he had one of those gentle smiles with pinkish cheeks when Dipper looked up "I should thank you for working this hard to give Greg something that would actually keep him safe"

"Oh, that's no problem, really. It's what. I do and unicorn hair will protect-" Dipper stopped in the middle of his explanation, then let out a long sigh. "... So you're not mad at me for lying?"

Wirt took a few steps forward and sat next to Dipper on the soft green grass.

"Nah. I mean, we've known each other for like... Two days? But this was sweet" he said, gesturing all around them "I really do worry about him, and I can't protect him forever. I never would've thought of unicorn hair though"

He hesitated a little, but Dipper softly placed a hand on Wirt's shoulder.

"I could tell. You're a good brother, you worry" Dipper mumbled. Was this ok? Was he taking too many liberties? "And like... I didn't think about unicorn hair at first either. I don't know if you even care, but the story's a bit too long to tell right now. I could tell you some other time?"

"We leave in tonight's bus" Wirt shrugged. Dipper felt his stomach drop through the clearing's ground like an anchor, until Wirt looked up from his pocket, holding an old model cell phone out to him. "But you could tell me anyways. I'd like to know" he smiled, and Dipper smiled back feeling like the anchor had just become a hot air balloon.

"I'd like to tell you" he took the phone Wirt offered and, after a bit of fidgeting with the old fashioned controls, saved his number as a contact. "I might ramble about other stuff now that I know you won't freak out though"

"It's ok" Wirt took his phone back from Dipper's outstretched hand. Their fingers touched and Dipper's heart did _not_ skip a beat, thank you very much. "I rambled a lot yesterday"

"I liked it" Dipper said before he could chicken out and stop himself. "I uh... Liked you, actually. Is it ok? I mean, is it ok if I text you or call you to talk about not weird stuff too?"

"It would be more than ok" said Wirt, and Dipper decided right then and there that he'd just found something that called to him more strongly than the weirdness in Gravity Falls.


End file.
